Honestly this rant is just an inner monologue but I just need to type so go ahead pretend I said something witty or profound and move on.
I didn't make it to Prayer meeting this morning and I feel terrible about it. The think is no one is upset I didn't make it. We all miss every once in a while so it's not a big deal but its really bothering me.
I feel like I let myself and the fellas down.
I don't have a normal job, so I could have went and then came home and slept but I didn't. I cancelled my alarm around 3am because I just couldn't sleep last night. A large part of why I couldn't sleep was the fact that I knew I was going to have to get up at 5:30am. So it was just like in school, I'd lay there and try to sleep then look at the clock and think ok if I fall asleep now then I'll get 6.hours. Then that became, 5 then 4 and I started getting nervous about sleep.
So I cancelled my alarm and slept like a baby until after 10am.
After 10am! That's ridiculous.
Here lately, my work productivity as I have mentioned before has just spiraled out of control. I might go an entire day and not do any work. I will get up late visit a friend, eat lunch. Come back home and check my regular daily websites. Then Lin and the kids get home and I goof off with them.
Set back down to work and get distracted by nonsense then decide its too late to start.
So I plan for the next day and that goes bust too as my alarm goes off and I proceed to sleep another couple hours.
I'ts maddening and i don't know how to correct the behavior.
I spent a lot of this morning trying to come up with a schedule and if I just have the strength to stick to it I'd be on track again.
Alarm at 9am. I figure I can set it across the room so I actually have to get up to turn it off.
Get ready for the day. Breakfast, Bible and on Monday Wed and Friday go to the Y.
Back home hopefully around 11, and work. Work until around 1 and eat something small and quick for lunch maybe walk to the surplus down the street.
Back by 2 and work til Dinner. After Dinner work til 8 then stop and go hang with the family for an hour or so before bed.
It seems so simple but actually doing it seems to be beyond me.
I still don't have the hunger for the Bible that I desperately wish I had. I find it hard to get in to. So I end up often reading it just so I can feel like I read it.
I don't pray often, but I have this changed life that is a testament to the fact that I am trying to follow God.
It's a weird place to be and I'm not sure whats next. I don't want to stagnate. I don;t want my Christian walk to turn into my work life in a couple months.
Thanks for reading