Thursday, January 10, 2013

To the Bottom of it.

DISCLAIMER: The following blog is a bit rambling and pretty much stream of consciousness. It doesn't have any of my art it it.   Plus it may come off a little whiny. I genuinely suggest you skip this one. however if you decide to soldier on I can't stop you. you have been warned.

I think a lot of my social anxiety comes from my low self esteem.

For instance church, I have said several times here on my blog (which for some reason I feel is safe even though absolutely anyone can read it) that I get wicked nervous when its time for church.

Some of it is my appearance, I've never really been a fan of how I look. Now however I have this big beard and I know for a fact that I look better without it or at least a shorter beard but I can't cut it. 

So I guess thats part of it.  Then the fact that I don't make much money is another good sized part.

I go to a good sized church.  I'm from small churches where my frumpy appearance and lack of money doesn't feel like it would be noticed.
Now i'm in a big church and the people I know from the church all seem to have it together. Now I understand that there may be a smoke screen in some cases but not all.  
Everyone seems well put together and pretty well off.  Some are very well off and I feel weird trying to interact with them.
I feel like at church especially you can never be sure if someone likes you or just is as nice as the have to be cuz you are in fact at church and they can't shun the shoddily dressed bearded man without looking terrible.
My kids are pretty rambunctious and I worry they are too much for the poor child care staff that has to put up with them. I've been involved in situations where I've dreaded one kid, when I drove a bus for instance.  I wonder if my kids are those kids. If the teacher says to her husband on Sat night "Man I hope (insert Myers child name) doesn't show up tomorrow."

When I was managing the theatre, its not like I had a lot of extra money but I had some and the added confidence of having a decent job.
Now I sit in sweat pants all day and draw. I don't make much money and we struggle more often than not. 
We live week to week and I am embarrassed because Lin deserves better.

She really does, so that just lowers my self esteem more.  I have to dig a trench to get it any lower and thats not too far away.

I honestly have no idea how I appear to other people besides fat and bearded.  Do they know I'm broke most the time?  I figure I put a lot of this on myself.  

I don't know, I just needed to sit and think so I blogged.  Pay no attention to  the man in the balcony.

Thanks for reading if in fact you did.

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