Hi my name is Alan and I’m a lurker. I’ve been digitally sober now for 7 months but I know i’m just a bad day away from relapse.
Let me clarify. I have or at least had a habit of lurking the websites and Facebooks of people I don’t like or don’t like me.
I delighted in their failures. When I found out that my best friend from high school who let a girl come between us got married because he was “tricked” his words not mine. I giggled.
When an ex employee left to pursue a future but tried to get me fired on his way out & ended up going to a 2 year college in town only to become the one thing he wanted least. I chuckled.
When failure happened I was there in the background.
I never let them know that I knew and the majority of the things i found out would have really bothered them if they were aware i knew it. Its not like I was rubbing their face in the failure that I was finding. It just amused me.
I haven’t done that in a little over 7 months.
How did I stop?
Easy. After my ex sister left around February I found myself devoid of loss. That is to say I just didn’t care. I actually thought I’d care. I expected to care. I just didn’t. No feelings of loss no regrets just the feeling of forward momentum.
I didn’t check up on her I didn’t ask about her. I didn’t try to see her Facebook. I simply had/have no feelings towards her at all.
I don’t wish her ill will I just don’t care either way. As long as she’s not around me and my kids then live and let live.
So it wasn’t until last night that it occurred to me that I haven’t lurked anyone since she left.
My best guess is that since I don’t care about her why would I care about someone I have had zero contact with in 5 or more years.
I even tested myself and thought last night that I’d do a little lurking. It just seemed like too much work (cuz it is) so I didn’t bother.
I can say now that I’m officially at least 7 months clean. With little doubt that i’ll stay that way.